Sunday, November 30, 2008

40.3.0 - Even So... Come

With a great ending to the last 40 days, and some additional elements that feel like they've filled in my foundation, I had planned to take December off and begin a new set come January. Stage Two, while definitely helpful to my process and VERY strong in getting me more grounded (maybe more grounded than I have ever been in my life!), was nevertheless a bit of a frustration and somewhat of a letdown.

But then... Somewhere in the afternoon of Saturday, I realized that today is the First Sunday of Advent, the lead up to Christmas, and the symbolic approach of the underlying creative force of all the Universe, arriving in a stable, in an overcrowded backwater, to two unassuming parents in the body of a crying, probably somewhat undernourished, less than perfectly behaved baby (oh yeah... SIlent Night I'm sure!) and I couldn't allow the moment to pass.

Advent is also the beginning of the ecclesiastical year, which is a worthwhile thing to think about, even if you don't like church, or christians, or religions, or god, goddess, or flying spaghetti monster. I am spiritually and intellectually pleased by the aesthetic of ushering in a new cycle around the sun with contemplation, attention, thought, prayer, and exuberance for, and anticipation of, the future. When confronted by the option of beginning another year with noisy crowds, copious amounts of alcohol and a morning bloody mary or three, a month of hope and dreaming seems to make a lot of sense.

So here I am, preparing for one more crack at the plan. This time I have a pared back list of goals, but that's because much of what I have been hoping to accomplish has in fact come to fruition, and laid the groundwork for now.

I can't think of a better time to start again, or a better way to celebrate Advent, the season of waiting, and preparing, for the culmination of creation.

Waiting and acting together, these are the forces that have set me on this path, and the disciplines that I am sure will bring me to my goal. What better time to be seeking that depth of my own creation? What better energy to apply to the task?

Even so...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Stage Two - Day 38 - Not With A Bang Nor With A Whimper

Despite the fact that there are two days of this 40 day series left, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the day after is a day off (at least for me it's gonna be a day off), so this really is... the end.

What have I accomplished this time around?

Not much!

The economic ground I gained in the first series has come crumbling down along with everyone else's economic fortunes during the last 6 weeks. The up side of this is that I developed some disciplines, some connections and some ways to keep paying attention to my finances during both of the last two series and they are helping me weather this storm much mo' betta than I would have otherwise, so that's progress me thinks.

I have finally - as I mentioned yesterday - gotten the DMV/Medical monkey off my back on the epilepsy front. That's not to say all of that is peachy keen, and I still really hate taking phenytoin for that problem, but it seems to remain my best option for the time being.

My biggest accomplishment, for both series, has been the discovery that I work better when I am relaxed. I have found that a dedicated habit of taking significant time off on the weekend, of consistently staying with meditation each day, and finding a way to steadily commit to writing time that is not to be interrupted by ANYTHING has produced the opportunity for more, better, and vitally fulfilling work and rest.

The downside has been that several things I wanted to complete remain still sitting on the table. Several things I started during the first series have been lost to entropy and torpor over the last six weeks... In other words, there've been a lot of ways I've failed in my plans this time around.

But most of all... and perhaps most effectively of all... I have figured out a system for getting myself back, and keeping myself, on track.

That's the greatest accomplishment and in the midst of what is otherwise a fair degree of individual and cultural chaos right now, I feel like I've made some significant breakthroughs.

Gotta think about those some more over the coming holiday weekend. Then I can begin to figure out what the next stage contains.

In the meantime... Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Stage Two - Day 37 - Free At Last !

I just got back from an appointment with my neurologist and while I am at least a little bit reluctant to celebrate too soon, I believe that I am finally being released from a suspension on my driver's license that has lasted most of this past year.

The suspension is due to the fact that I have epilepsy and that two years ago on a lovely fall afternoon - an afternoon almost like this one actually - I had a seizure while working in the Petaluma library. I wound up in the Petaluma Valley Hospital and after several hours of lying around doing nothing I had to call a friend of mine to pick me up.

Shortly thereafter I was informed that the DMV was once again watching me and subsequently when I didn't follow up on one of my check ups last year... bang zowie... no license.

Getting a new doctor (my previous doctor left practice early this year), getting my blood tests done, and getting the papers filed to get my license back has been one of my primary goals for this 40 Days.

Today I did it. Now, though there's no reason to think that DMV will present a problem, I am nonetheless holding my breath until the final notice comes in the mail and I am free once more.

The rest of the day has been relatively chaotic and frustrating... but hey... thank goodness for small victories.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Stage Two - Week 5 - What Now?

The last three days of last week were a near complete melt down of inefficiency and lack of attention. Mostly this is due to the fact that I made a choice to break my pattern, and to let "the tyranny of the urgent" rule the day.

To some extent this was necessary... I needed to get blood tests for my doctor in order to meet with him this week and hopefully get him to okay my medication levels for my epilepsy. But every damn time I break the rhythm, especially the morning writing rhythm, the day just goes to hell. Last week three, maybe four, days went to hell, and this morning, as I look a the goals I had laid out for this current 40 Days I find myself staring in astonishment at a list that is very nearly as incomplete as when I started.

Well Damn!

So I sit here in front of my computer on Monday morning, the beginning of the last week (and a rather shortened one at that), considering again, what is possible... what is necessary... what do I want?

For the moment... what I want is to push on and see what I am able to finish.

After that... it will be time to evaluate, adjust, and ask again... What now?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Stage Two - Days 29 & 30 - Sorting

I'm once again heading into the last ten days of my 40 Days To Life. A good, productive day Monday, and a bit of a cluster yesterday. The frustration of yesterday came from the need to change things around because of medical appointments and logistical frustrations. What it meant, as it seems to mean every time, was a discombobulated feeling of disorientation that left the day a struggle to get through.

The day ended well though, with a glass of wine and a Caprese salad first and then a terrific port tasting at Sonoma Valley Port Works... Ahhhh... the advantages of wine country.

Today begins things again and a good morning sitting with Merton and Thurman helps (as it always does).

Me reading in Howard Thurman this morning reminded me that times like meditation and sitting (and I would add walks and physical exercise) are the prep work for hearing the spirit. They don't in any way guarantee that the spirit will arrive (or when) but they are the ground work that enables us to be, at least a little bit, more ready when the time comes.

I'd have to add that this is about the same reality with this whole idea of 40 Days To Life. Over the last nearly three months, and two trips around the wheel, while I have achieved many of the goals I had in mind at the beginning, I have also left many sitting on the table waiting patiently to be taken up. The most important element of the process has been the ongoing, intentional, cultivation of daily awareness. A practice of being awake.

By setting up - and at various intervals reconsidering and altering - a specific plan, clear goals, and a structure (namely this blog among other things) for keeping myself accountable, I have moved myself further along the road I want to walk. This is kind of surprising to me, because at 54, and with virtually 40 years of medtation, study and practice behind me, I pretty much thought that I was supremely prepared for anything. Not true. While I expect that at some point along the path I was traveling I would have accomplished most of what has transpired over the last 70 days, I am certain that it would not have happened as quickly or with as much awareness of the process.

Taking the time to pay attention, and to relate to others what that attention has revealed (and continues to reveal) has made it easier to accomplish what I want, has made the process easier, and has helped keep me focused on the tasks... and my life.

If the unexamined life is not worth living, a process like this certainly helps prevent one's premature demise.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Stage Two - Days 27 & 28 - Open

Saturday and Sunday were open and creative.

Sunday was spent with family... driving, talking, catching a movie, having dinner and hanging out. It was the kind of day that "normal people" have. The kind of day that I have been relatively short on in recent years. It was restful, thoughtful, and good.

Saturday, Karen and I went for a long walk and then had breakfast by the river. After that we took a long and leisurely stroll through town, meandering in and out of shops as if we were tourists in our own home town. It was easy, and relaxing and great. The weather cooperated and our spirits were refreshed.

I spent the afternoon down at the opening of the new office/club house for "Friends of the Petaluma River. During the time I was there, I got to watch a DVD on the organization (headed by my relatively new friend - David Yearsley - whom I met last summer while helping to put together the Petaluma River Fest). The thing that I was struck by most of all, was the fact that the issues involving the Petaluma River are the very same issues involving New ORleans and the Mississippi River. WETLANDS and their perpetual depletion. Seeing this video, attending the event, has made me clear on an issue that I have always been concerned about but never deeply involved in... Environmentalism, and the way it correlates with Justice.

After the event I spent about 90 minutes with a guy I met for the first time that afternoon. He's a Viet Nam Vet and our conversation plugged right into a writing idea I have been tossing around in my brain for the past several years... More on that later... but a point to be made...

In both cases, Saturday afternoon led me in the direction of new thought, and new action. My ripeness for these experiences and ideas was directly related to the state of relaxation I was in because of the way I had lived my week and the way we had spent the morning.

Rest led to Creative Openness which led to Opportunity.

Stage Two - Week Four - It's A Job

The rest of the fourth week was simply FANTASTIC!

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were days fitting the schedule I have tried to create and maintain for at least the last three years and probably beyond that. This time I actually made it.

For the record, the schedule is pretty basic:

8:00 - 8:30 - Meditation
8:30 - 12:30 - Writing
12:30 - 1:00 - Lunch
1:00 - 6:00 - Business
6:00 - 6:30 - Meditation

The Business time tends to get fragmented between busy work, productive work, meetings, and travel and while it was not as grounded and centered as I would like it still held together pretty well. I had some time where I had to take off but I was able to make up for those times on the back end. Ultimately, the plan went well.

I latched on solidly to my four hour morning writing slot, aided rather considerably by the fact that I presently have enough ongoing (and paid) writing projects (in addition to the ever-expanding list of spec projects I have always worked on) that I could actually dedicate 20 hours of the week to writing and not completely go broke. In other words... this is what I've been working toward and... it's working.

To make it work there are three things that have to happen:

1) I have to want it.

2) I have to make room for it. What this means is that I have to give it something close to inviolable preeminence. Any number of times over the last twenty years I have tried to make a solid writing schedule work, only to allow myself to lose the time because someone asked for a meeting, or because I had important errands, or... well... just because. Last week I put a solid hold on those things and worked the time (one morning I came in later, but I stayed longer to make it up). The key to the process is to not only practice it as a "real job" but truly EXPERIENCE it as such.

3) Along the lines of the above... it's also pretty important for the time to pay for itself. It helps considerably if much, though not necessarily all, of the writing time is spent writing something for which I am being paid.

I have been a writer for over twenty years, but I have only rarely treated myself like a writer and treated the writing like work.

It's an art... it's also a job.

Stage Two - Day 24 - A Look Back

So the last post I made here was last Tuesday.

One success - or really more like a partial success - on that day was the fact that I spent most of the afternoon at the Veterans Day Parade and following other angles of play and thought... For the most part I did what I've been trying to do for years... Write in the morning, take off a mid-week afternoon for creative expansion and learning (which COULD be another way of saying goofing off, but I'll let that be for now). The reason it was a partial success is that I did in fact do some gainful (and paid) work that afternoon despite the fact that I was really trying not to. But it was the closest I've come... ever... to achieving this medweek "anything can happen" hiatus, so I'm pretty pleased.

What came out of that day was in fact a couple of new ideas for writing and work and as the week went on, these ideas grew more and more toward realization. I'll have more on that shortly; all I have to say right now is that the concept works!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Day 23 - Walkabout

Today is Veteran's Day and I decided this morning that I would use the afternoon for my "walkabout." This part of my schedule is the time I have been trying (for all of the last two cycles of 40 days) fit into the week where I can stop, reflect, do things that are necessary for growth, take care of items that have to be taken care of, and generally attempt to more fully manage my life.

The time is intended as a moment to reflect; to take in a movie, or an art exhibit, or (as today) a parade. My hope for this time is that at some point during the middle of the week (Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday) I can give myself growth time to add into my quiver for knowledge and growth and creativity.

Work and writing still takes place in the morning, but then it's my intention to give the afternoon over to the muse.

Previously, the tyranny of the urgent has always invaded this time and usurped it for other purposes. I think today may be a breakthrough.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Day 22 - What We Have To Be...

Is What We Are.

An evening reading from Merton echoes precisely the many readings from Howard Thurman that I have been diving into and both of them reflect the precise experience of how I feel at the end of this day.

It's been a good day... very productive, well paced, thoughtful and creative. One of those days that almost makes me feel like I am rising out of my body and looking at someone else's life.

But this is my life.

Like Popeye... I yam what I yam.

Stage Two - Days 20 & 21 - Weekend Wonderment

Lately I've been reading "In Praise of Slowness" by Carl Honore'. Published back in 2004, it is considered by many to be the sort of introductory course to slowing down and living a better life. For most people (at least in the U.S.) it was the first introduction to the "Slow Food" movement, among other things. I borrowed it a couple of months ago from the lending library at Preston Vineyards (a modern miracle in and of itself).

This weekend, after wrenching my back out of whack by dancing, jumping, twisting, turning and pretty much acting like the five year old kid that Fred LeBlanc commanded me to act like, I spent a lot of time resting and reading and thinking.

Most of Saturday was spent making up a good portion of the work I missed by being out on Monday and sick on Wednesday, but after that I settled into a nice routine that included cooking my favorite meal (prawns over corn cakes with a chipotle butter sauce) for my sweety and her kid and watching a movie that required absolutely no critical thinking to be enjoyed (at least a little bit).

Sunday was all rest and relaxation, with an extra trip to the Petaluma Unitarian Universalist church to hear a sermon by a dear friend of mine (and sometime writing partner). Irish breakfast at Maguire's a SLOW walk around town, and lots and lots of reading.

Good days... restful days... Rejuvenating days.

Halfway through this second term of 40 Days and holding onto some of the lessons I learned in the first session.

Sunday officially began the second half of this second program, but today is the day where "the rubber meets the road."

Things feel like they are working well .... and the Obama glow continues to give me an increased sense of new energy.

I'll let you know how the day turns out... Right now, I'm feeling like I'm on a roll.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Stage Two - Days 16, 17, 18, & 19

I can barely begin to explain this last week.

Three weeks in... Last weekend a truly wonderful relaxation time and more understanding of what that means for the other side of things. There's a song that I am listening to right now, by a NOLA group that will be playing Petaluma tonight. In the song Fred LeBlanc sings about slowing down in order to speed up.

THAT would be the reality of this entire last week... Well... except for Tuesday!

I'll have much more to say about all of that over the weekend. It's been an astonishing last seven days.

Tonight my sweetie and I are gonna celebrate!!!

I Believe!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Stage Two - Days 13, 14 & 15

WOW!!! Another two weeks gone.

Another weekend off. I'm taking Monday off as well... seeking again some of that slowness I seem to be in need of. I'm even taking the book "In Praise of Slowness" along with me. A book that opens with a quote from Gandhi that a friend of mine uses at the bottom of all his emails...

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

See ya on Election Day.