40.3.30 - Taking a HOLIDAY!

Okay... I should have known better than to take on yet another 40 day plan during the holiday season.

There's a reason it's called "THE HOLIDAY SEASON!"

Like I said in the previous post, winter is a time of hibernation and despite everything we as humans do to pretend like we are not subject to such "laws of nature" the fact is... we are.

SO... rather than continue battling the inevitable, I've decided to do what I have wanted to do for years. I'm declaring myself "on vacation" until January 15th. Unfortunately, this isn't going to mean that I get to go off to Hawaii for the next three weeks. It doesn't even mean that I will be able to drop out of several of my ongoing work projects, however, it does mean that I am going to take a break from 40 Days and I am going to spend a lot of time reflecting on what I've learned in these three series. I'll probably be blogging on that at least a little bit, so check back in from time to time.

I WILL be taking some significant periods of personal time to read, journal and plan for the new year. I am hoping to spend some days in my own retreat (either with a group or on my own) during this time, and I expect to start a new 40 Day series (or something similar that might grow out of these next few weeks of reflection) on Monday January 19.

In the meantime... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

40.3.20 - Halfway Home... Again

The third week of the third program was an interesting mix of personal struggle, and good movement forward. The winter tie (especially in a crisis economy) is not exactly the best time for trying to make progress on the business front. To a lesser extent it's also true of the personal front.

There's a reason animals go into hibernation in the winter!

Nevertheless... The up side of the week has been an incredible sense of clarity and groundedness in the midst of what, at previous points in my life, would have been devastating frustration and a likely derailment of everything I was working on.

I am absolutely not there this time, and the primary reason that I am not is because of the steadiness of these 40 Day programs. It certainly isn't magic... it's just forward movement.

In addition to this movement, I am also finding deeper and deeper solace in a wintry solitude. This experience tends to echoed on a daily basis by the readings I am doing in Thomas Merton and by the research I am doing to create a play on his life and death and the greater meanings therein.

With the arrival of the winter solstice I also arrive at one of my long time goals... a mid-winter vacation. It's not going to happen this year, at least not in the way that I might have hoped. However, i will be dropping some of the greater agitation of daily projects to spend more and more time thinking, reflecting, meditating, and writing.

If there is one thing that has come out of the entire 4 months of studying myself and tweaking this process, it is the strength and beauty of seeking, finding, and nurturing the central core of my being.

I feel as if I have once again come to the center of the labyrinth and it is time to stop, to center, and to look inward.

For the remaining three weeks of this series, THAT is going to be my primary activity.

That said... I have some big ideas too. I'll touch more on them next week.

40.3.15 - Safe!

As I mentioned while I was in the middle of it, the second week of this series has been something of a strange and somewhat frustrating experience, but here I am on another Monday... beginning the third week of this series, and the confusion has lifted considerably.

The weekend, while not as relaxing as most have been of late, proved to be the respite I needed. It was a place to center again, catch up on the stray pieces and settle the dust.

Starting this week, I am encouraged, focused, and excited.

Each step really does feel like it gets me closer... even when, at the time it's happening, I feel like I'm traveling in reverse.

40.3.11 - Channeling Dana Carvey

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with my brain on fire with things I need to do, hopes I hold, and just on the edge of worry over the near term fate of just about everything.

Somewhere within the 90 minutes between 4 am when I woke up and 5:30 am when I fell back to sleep, I heard the voice of Dana Carvey impersonating George The First, "Stay the Course... Thousand points o' light."

The thing is... I'm thinking that's just exactly right.

WIth this morning's meditation I picked up my small labyrinth and "walked the path" that literally kept me sane during the two years immediately following Katrina. As I moved along the circuit of the labyrinth it was clear to me again that one of the beauties of this discipline for me is the sense that you are going forward, moving in toward the center or out from the center, even when you've made a 180 degree switchback. You are closer to your goal, even when it seems you are farther away. In fact, the furthest point out on the circuit is just a short distance before you reach the center.

This awareness of progress when progress seems invisible is the awareness that really matters, especially when things look bad. Even when things don't work.

Keep moving forward... keep showing up... or as Tom Waits puts it, "Always keep a diamond in your mind."

40.3.10b - It's The Economy Stupid

This entire program of 40 Day slots has been integrally tied to, among other things, a process of getting my finances in order and following in on a whole collection of ways to plant myself more solidly on financial ground.

For the first series things went pretty well. For the second series enough was still working, and enough improvements had been made that I was feeling pretty strong and pretty positive despite the beginnings of truly dire economic circumstances.

At this juncture, this is no longer the case, and this week has been the perfect nightmare of complete financial, and subsequently planning, meltdown. Accounts that owe me money are not paying, and don't look like they are going to pay any time soon. Projects that were strong and on the table have been canceled or seriously dialed back and other plans that seemed virtually bullet proof two months ago are now hanging precariously off the cliff of "we're not sure what we're going to be doing in the next few months."

The effect of all this is to not only turn my financial plans into turmoil, but my emotional, spiritual, and practical plans as well.

In other words... this week has been something close to a complete meltdown.

So this is, as an old preacher I used to listen to always said, "where the rubber meets the road."

The real test of whether this structure I am trying to build my life around has any validity at all hangs completely on the question of whether I can keep my sanity, my personal strength, and my focus while everything around me is crashing down. Can I keep my commitments? Can I reach, at least some of, my goals?

The proof of whether any of the work I've done over the last 90 days is truly worthwhile will come now.

Will it help me through this quagmire?

Can I make it past THIS wall?

If I can... I think I'm home free!

40.3.10 - Every Human Has Rights

Every Human Has Rights - Campaign Highlights from Every Human Has Rights on Vimeo.

It may seem strange for me to put this video and this link on this blog (I've got so many other places I could put it), but I have a very definite reason for placing it here.

Today's 60th anniversary of the International Declaration of Human Rights is quite personal to me and it serves to accent one of the main goals that I have held at the forefront of the entire 40 Days program; a goal which I have yet to bring to fruition.

The goal itself is to give at least 10% of my income, and spend 10% of my time in the pursuit of a better way of living in this world and a better life for all. There have been times in the past when I have succeeded in giving away 10% of my income to worthy causes, and there have been other times when I have spent large amounts of time (significantly more than 10% probably) working for things that I believe make the world better.

However... I've had my mind and my time occupied with other things in recent years and I have not done nearly what I believe I should... or I want... to honestly improve the world, to seek the welfare of this blue ball I live on, and to work that all people are safe, and healthy, and maybe even happy.

This anniversary, and the work of those connected to this day, call me again to action.

This is a goal I MUST achieve.

What about you?

40.3.5 - Runnin' Down A Dream

One week down, and it's been an interesting week.

I've got a number of irons in the fire (not exactly an uncommon reality for me) and juggling those bits and pieces, or spinning the plates so they don't become bits and pieces... Let's just see how many metaphors we can slam into one sentence, shall we?

Beginning this plan for the third time back to back provides an interesting perspective since I don't really give myself time to slack off the basic process. As I have said before, there are some givens:

1) I have created, over the last 3 months, a basically solid platform from which to launch further efforts. This is something that I've never adequately done before and it's kind of startling what a difference it makes in my general mindset.

2) I have also gotten some of the detritus (emotional, relational, practical, and financial) of the last several years out of my way and like crawling on top of a hill to survey the landscape (I have been to the mountaintop! sorry... sorry), I am now able to see where I might go with significantly more clarity than at any time in my life. There's something to be said for getting rid of clutter... My grandmother used to say that if you've lost something, clean up the house. There's a line in one of my favorite films where Bill Bailey tells Bruce Dern, "Your mother always said that when you can't figure out your life... Clean up your nest."

I'm just sayin'.

In any case... the issue at this point in time is, as I have said before, where do I go from here?

One of the things that I'm relatively certain about is that I need to work with the goals and plans I have and set them up in some kind of order that distinguishes them into different aspects of my life.

What I'm saying here is that I have been self-employed in a multitude of activities (with varying degrees of success) for my entire adult life. While that has some serious lifestyle advantages, one of the more problematic issues in that arrangement is the fact that it's generally quite difficult to separate what I do from who I am. For a significant period of my life, that was okay... problematic, but okay. It seems to me that most people have an easier time with this because for them the distinction is already made... the "job" is the work and home is home. For me they almost always squish together.

What I have been learning of late is that there is great value in pulling them apart.

With this new process in which I have begun to figure out how to separate from my work... and separate my life from my work... I find that I need a clearer division, both for ME and for my WORK.

It's also clear that my DREAMS need this division.

There's a sense in which dreams (something everyone truly needs; they are the lifeblood of imagination) need attention and clarity to thrive. Dreams are the soft side... goals are where "the rubber meets the road" as they used to say.

So this is the next stage... the next connection. I am seeking in this phase to separate work and life. I'm not separating them completely (I really don't think I could), but I'm seeking to address them from separate areas of my brain. I am also seeking to set up clear goals with definite temporal targets... distinct objectives along the way... and ways to separate the different things I want to achieve so that they don't all glom together into one big tangled mess.

This is the trajectory for the next five weeks... Intentional and enthusiastic pursuit of the dream.

40.3.3 - Process Is Product

So here I am at the keyboard... three days into a new set of 40.

What do I have behind me?

I have a solid foundation of work (both creative work and practical/woodshedding work) on a schedule that, while it may sometimes get derailed temporarily by the exigencies of any given day, pretty much keeps me on track.

I have found a way to intentionally (rather than accidentally) find rest and nurturance in my hours, days, and weeks.

I have begun putting several bits and pieces of my life back together after letting them fall apart almost completely after Katrina and I have started work on physical and educational disciplines I keep talking about doing but rarely get around to.

Now I'm ready to do more.

One of my goals (perhaps the primary goal) for this time around is to continue whittling away at that schedule... increasing the time I spend on the creative and expansive while decreasing the time and increasing the productivity of the woodshed work. And that actually seems to be a lot of what this process is becoming across the board; a sort of chipping away at the extraneous material that fills up life without product, enlightenment, or reward, then honing down and polishing what's left in order to bring out the heart of what I want. It's not unlike the process of sculpting something in clay.

There is a very real sense in which it's beginning to look like The Process is the real point of the whole endeavor.

40.3.0 - Even So... Come

With a great ending to the last 40 days, and some additional elements that feel like they've filled in my foundation, I had planned to take December off and begin a new set come January. Stage Two, while definitely helpful to my process and VERY strong in getting me more grounded (maybe more grounded than I have ever been in my life!), was nevertheless a bit of a frustration and somewhat of a letdown.

But then... Somewhere in the afternoon of Saturday, I realized that today is the First Sunday of Advent, the lead up to Christmas, and the symbolic approach of the underlying creative force of all the Universe, arriving in a stable, in an overcrowded backwater, to two unassuming parents in the body of a crying, probably somewhat undernourished, less than perfectly behaved baby (oh yeah... SIlent Night I'm sure!) and I couldn't allow the moment to pass.

Advent is also the beginning of the ecclesiastical year, which is a worthwhile thing to think about, even if you don't like church, or christians, or religions, or god, goddess, or flying spaghetti monster. I am spiritually and intellectually pleased by the aesthetic of ushering in a new cycle around the sun with contemplation, attention, thought, prayer, and exuberance for, and anticipation of, the future. When confronted by the option of beginning another year with noisy crowds, copious amounts of alcohol and a morning bloody mary or three, a month of hope and dreaming seems to make a lot of sense.

So here I am, preparing for one more crack at the plan. This time I have a pared back list of goals, but that's because much of what I have been hoping to accomplish has in fact come to fruition, and laid the groundwork for now.

I can't think of a better time to start again, or a better way to celebrate Advent, the season of waiting, and preparing, for the culmination of creation.

Waiting and acting together, these are the forces that have set me on this path, and the disciplines that I am sure will bring me to my goal. What better time to be seeking that depth of my own creation? What better energy to apply to the task?

Even so...

Stage Two - Day 38 - Not With A Bang Nor With A Whimper

Despite the fact that there are two days of this 40 day series left, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the day after is a day off (at least for me it's gonna be a day off), so this really is... the end.

What have I accomplished this time around?

Not much!

The economic ground I gained in the first series has come crumbling down along with everyone else's economic fortunes during the last 6 weeks. The up side of this is that I developed some disciplines, some connections and some ways to keep paying attention to my finances during both of the last two series and they are helping me weather this storm much mo' betta than I would have otherwise, so that's progress me thinks.

I have finally - as I mentioned yesterday - gotten the DMV/Medical monkey off my back on the epilepsy front. That's not to say all of that is peachy keen, and I still really hate taking phenytoin for that problem, but it seems to remain my best option for the time being.

My biggest accomplishment, for both series, has been the discovery that I work better when I am relaxed. I have found that a dedicated habit of taking significant time off on the weekend, of consistently staying with meditation each day, and finding a way to steadily commit to writing time that is not to be interrupted by ANYTHING has produced the opportunity for more, better, and vitally fulfilling work and rest.

The downside has been that several things I wanted to complete remain still sitting on the table. Several things I started during the first series have been lost to entropy and torpor over the last six weeks... In other words, there've been a lot of ways I've failed in my plans this time around.

But most of all... and perhaps most effectively of all... I have figured out a system for getting myself back, and keeping myself, on track.

That's the greatest accomplishment and in the midst of what is otherwise a fair degree of individual and cultural chaos right now, I feel like I've made some significant breakthroughs.

Gotta think about those some more over the coming holiday weekend. Then I can begin to figure out what the next stage contains.

In the meantime... Happy Thanksgiving!

Stage Two - Day 37 - Free At Last !

I just got back from an appointment with my neurologist and while I am at least a little bit reluctant to celebrate too soon, I believe that I am finally being released from a suspension on my driver's license that has lasted most of this past year.

The suspension is due to the fact that I have epilepsy and that two years ago on a lovely fall afternoon - an afternoon almost like this one actually - I had a seizure while working in the Petaluma library. I wound up in the Petaluma Valley Hospital and after several hours of lying around doing nothing I had to call a friend of mine to pick me up.

Shortly thereafter I was informed that the DMV was once again watching me and subsequently when I didn't follow up on one of my check ups last year... bang zowie... no license.

Getting a new doctor (my previous doctor left practice early this year), getting my blood tests done, and getting the papers filed to get my license back has been one of my primary goals for this 40 Days.

Today I did it. Now, though there's no reason to think that DMV will present a problem, I am nonetheless holding my breath until the final notice comes in the mail and I am free once more.

The rest of the day has been relatively chaotic and frustrating... but hey... thank goodness for small victories.

Stage Two - Week 5 - What Now?

The last three days of last week were a near complete melt down of inefficiency and lack of attention. Mostly this is due to the fact that I made a choice to break my pattern, and to let "the tyranny of the urgent" rule the day.

To some extent this was necessary... I needed to get blood tests for my doctor in order to meet with him this week and hopefully get him to okay my medication levels for my epilepsy. But every damn time I break the rhythm, especially the morning writing rhythm, the day just goes to hell. Last week three, maybe four, days went to hell, and this morning, as I look a the goals I had laid out for this current 40 Days I find myself staring in astonishment at a list that is very nearly as incomplete as when I started.

Well Damn!

So I sit here in front of my computer on Monday morning, the beginning of the last week (and a rather shortened one at that), considering again, what is possible... what is necessary... what do I want?

For the moment... what I want is to push on and see what I am able to finish.

After that... it will be time to evaluate, adjust, and ask again... What now?

Stage Two - Days 29 & 30 - Sorting

I'm once again heading into the last ten days of my 40 Days To Life. A good, productive day Monday, and a bit of a cluster yesterday. The frustration of yesterday came from the need to change things around because of medical appointments and logistical frustrations. What it meant, as it seems to mean every time, was a discombobulated feeling of disorientation that left the day a struggle to get through.

The day ended well though, with a glass of wine and a Caprese salad first and then a terrific port tasting at Sonoma Valley Port Works... Ahhhh... the advantages of wine country.

Today begins things again and a good morning sitting with Merton and Thurman helps (as it always does).

Me reading in Howard Thurman this morning reminded me that times like meditation and sitting (and I would add walks and physical exercise) are the prep work for hearing the spirit. They don't in any way guarantee that the spirit will arrive (or when) but they are the ground work that enables us to be, at least a little bit, more ready when the time comes.

I'd have to add that this is about the same reality with this whole idea of 40 Days To Life. Over the last nearly three months, and two trips around the wheel, while I have achieved many of the goals I had in mind at the beginning, I have also left many sitting on the table waiting patiently to be taken up. The most important element of the process has been the ongoing, intentional, cultivation of daily awareness. A practice of being awake.

By setting up - and at various intervals reconsidering and altering - a specific plan, clear goals, and a structure (namely this blog among other things) for keeping myself accountable, I have moved myself further along the road I want to walk. This is kind of surprising to me, because at 54, and with virtually 40 years of medtation, study and practice behind me, I pretty much thought that I was supremely prepared for anything. Not true. While I expect that at some point along the path I was traveling I would have accomplished most of what has transpired over the last 70 days, I am certain that it would not have happened as quickly or with as much awareness of the process.

Taking the time to pay attention, and to relate to others what that attention has revealed (and continues to reveal) has made it easier to accomplish what I want, has made the process easier, and has helped keep me focused on the tasks... and my life.

If the unexamined life is not worth living, a process like this certainly helps prevent one's premature demise.

Stage Two - Days 27 & 28 - Open

Saturday and Sunday were open and creative.

Sunday was spent with family... driving, talking, catching a movie, having dinner and hanging out. It was the kind of day that "normal people" have. The kind of day that I have been relatively short on in recent years. It was restful, thoughtful, and good.

Saturday, Karen and I went for a long walk and then had breakfast by the river. After that we took a long and leisurely stroll through town, meandering in and out of shops as if we were tourists in our own home town. It was easy, and relaxing and great. The weather cooperated and our spirits were refreshed.

I spent the afternoon down at the opening of the new office/club house for "Friends of the Petaluma River. During the time I was there, I got to watch a DVD on the organization (headed by my relatively new friend - David Yearsley - whom I met last summer while helping to put together the Petaluma River Fest). The thing that I was struck by most of all, was the fact that the issues involving the Petaluma River are the very same issues involving New ORleans and the Mississippi River. WETLANDS and their perpetual depletion. Seeing this video, attending the event, has made me clear on an issue that I have always been concerned about but never deeply involved in... Environmentalism, and the way it correlates with Justice.

After the event I spent about 90 minutes with a guy I met for the first time that afternoon. He's a Viet Nam Vet and our conversation plugged right into a writing idea I have been tossing around in my brain for the past several years... More on that later... but a point to be made...

In both cases, Saturday afternoon led me in the direction of new thought, and new action. My ripeness for these experiences and ideas was directly related to the state of relaxation I was in because of the way I had lived my week and the way we had spent the morning.

Rest led to Creative Openness which led to Opportunity.

Stage Two - Week Four - It's A Job

The rest of the fourth week was simply FANTASTIC!

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were days fitting the schedule I have tried to create and maintain for at least the last three years and probably beyond that. This time I actually made it.

For the record, the schedule is pretty basic:

8:00 - 8:30 - Meditation
8:30 - 12:30 - Writing
12:30 - 1:00 - Lunch
1:00 - 6:00 - Business
6:00 - 6:30 - Meditation

The Business time tends to get fragmented between busy work, productive work, meetings, and travel and while it was not as grounded and centered as I would like it still held together pretty well. I had some time where I had to take off but I was able to make up for those times on the back end. Ultimately, the plan went well.

I latched on solidly to my four hour morning writing slot, aided rather considerably by the fact that I presently have enough ongoing (and paid) writing projects (in addition to the ever-expanding list of spec projects I have always worked on) that I could actually dedicate 20 hours of the week to writing and not completely go broke. In other words... this is what I've been working toward and... it's working.

To make it work there are three things that have to happen:

1) I have to want it.

2) I have to make room for it. What this means is that I have to give it something close to inviolable preeminence. Any number of times over the last twenty years I have tried to make a solid writing schedule work, only to allow myself to lose the time because someone asked for a meeting, or because I had important errands, or... well... just because. Last week I put a solid hold on those things and worked the time (one morning I came in later, but I stayed longer to make it up). The key to the process is to not only practice it as a "real job" but truly EXPERIENCE it as such.

3) Along the lines of the above... it's also pretty important for the time to pay for itself. It helps considerably if much, though not necessarily all, of the writing time is spent writing something for which I am being paid.

I have been a writer for over twenty years, but I have only rarely treated myself like a writer and treated the writing like work.

It's an art... it's also a job.

Stage Two - Day 24 - A Look Back

So the last post I made here was last Tuesday.

One success - or really more like a partial success - on that day was the fact that I spent most of the afternoon at the Veterans Day Parade and following other angles of play and thought... For the most part I did what I've been trying to do for years... Write in the morning, take off a mid-week afternoon for creative expansion and learning (which COULD be another way of saying goofing off, but I'll let that be for now). The reason it was a partial success is that I did in fact do some gainful (and paid) work that afternoon despite the fact that I was really trying not to. But it was the closest I've come... ever... to achieving this medweek "anything can happen" hiatus, so I'm pretty pleased.

What came out of that day was in fact a couple of new ideas for writing and work and as the week went on, these ideas grew more and more toward realization. I'll have more on that shortly; all I have to say right now is that the concept works!

Day 23 - Walkabout

Today is Veteran's Day and I decided this morning that I would use the afternoon for my "walkabout." This part of my schedule is the time I have been trying (for all of the last two cycles of 40 days) fit into the week where I can stop, reflect, do things that are necessary for growth, take care of items that have to be taken care of, and generally attempt to more fully manage my life.

The time is intended as a moment to reflect; to take in a movie, or an art exhibit, or (as today) a parade. My hope for this time is that at some point during the middle of the week (Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday) I can give myself growth time to add into my quiver for knowledge and growth and creativity.

Work and writing still takes place in the morning, but then it's my intention to give the afternoon over to the muse.

Previously, the tyranny of the urgent has always invaded this time and usurped it for other purposes. I think today may be a breakthrough.

Day 22 - What We Have To Be...

Is What We Are.

An evening reading from Merton echoes precisely the many readings from Howard Thurman that I have been diving into and both of them reflect the precise experience of how I feel at the end of this day.

It's been a good day... very productive, well paced, thoughtful and creative. One of those days that almost makes me feel like I am rising out of my body and looking at someone else's life.

But this is my life.

Like Popeye... I yam what I yam.

Stage Two - Days 20 & 21 - Weekend Wonderment

Lately I've been reading "In Praise of Slowness" by Carl Honore'. Published back in 2004, it is considered by many to be the sort of introductory course to slowing down and living a better life. For most people (at least in the U.S.) it was the first introduction to the "Slow Food" movement, among other things. I borrowed it a couple of months ago from the lending library at Preston Vineyards (a modern miracle in and of itself).

This weekend, after wrenching my back out of whack by dancing, jumping, twisting, turning and pretty much acting like the five year old kid that Fred LeBlanc commanded me to act like, I spent a lot of time resting and reading and thinking.

Most of Saturday was spent making up a good portion of the work I missed by being out on Monday and sick on Wednesday, but after that I settled into a nice routine that included cooking my favorite meal (prawns over corn cakes with a chipotle butter sauce) for my sweety and her kid and watching a movie that required absolutely no critical thinking to be enjoyed (at least a little bit).

Sunday was all rest and relaxation, with an extra trip to the Petaluma Unitarian Universalist church to hear a sermon by a dear friend of mine (and sometime writing partner). Irish breakfast at Maguire's a SLOW walk around town, and lots and lots of reading.

Good days... restful days... Rejuvenating days.

Halfway through this second term of 40 Days and holding onto some of the lessons I learned in the first session.

Sunday officially began the second half of this second program, but today is the day where "the rubber meets the road."

Things feel like they are working well .... and the Obama glow continues to give me an increased sense of new energy.

I'll let you know how the day turns out... Right now, I'm feeling like I'm on a roll.

Stage Two - Days 16, 17, 18, & 19

I can barely begin to explain this last week.

Three weeks in... Last weekend a truly wonderful relaxation time and more understanding of what that means for the other side of things. There's a song that I am listening to right now, by a NOLA group that will be playing Petaluma tonight. In the song Fred LeBlanc sings about slowing down in order to speed up.

THAT would be the reality of this entire last week... Well... except for Tuesday!

I'll have much more to say about all of that over the weekend. It's been an astonishing last seven days.

Tonight my sweetie and I are gonna celebrate!!!

I Believe!

Stage Two - Days 13, 14 & 15

WOW!!! Another two weeks gone.

Another weekend off. I'm taking Monday off as well... seeking again some of that slowness I seem to be in need of. I'm even taking the book "In Praise of Slowness" along with me. A book that opens with a quote from Gandhi that a friend of mine uses at the bottom of all his emails...

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

See ya on Election Day.

Stage Two - Days 10 & 11 - The Hammer Falls

One thing you can pretty much count on (or at least I can pretty much count on, I won't speak for you) is that the first hints of Fall... the Halloween/Day of the Dead period... will most assuredly bring me the old post-nasal drip, leading to a full out hacking coughing cold accompanied by little energy and less ambition.

Welcome to late October!

The last two days have been that kind of experience.

The good news, however, is that I've actually been able to stay pretty solidly on the things I'm working on. Work's been a challenge, but it hasn't been abandoned. Life goals sort of fade off into thick haze where my head feels like it's a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon, but for the most part I am able to hold them lightly and intentionally and keep more or less on track.

Like the song says... I'm still here!

I attribute THAT fact to the groundwork I laid last month, the daily meditation I continue to work with, and a certain sense of openess and humor that has recently become an interesting side-effect of the whole process.

Onward... Through the fog!!!

Part Two - Days 6,7 & 8 Late To The Party... Just In Time

Another terrific weekend. Time from work. Time to help out. Time to reflect. Time to have fun.

Most people reading this probably think this scenario is pretty ridiculous. What's to be so pleased about in "taking time off?"

Nothing... except... THAT, in fact, would be the point.

For pretty much my entire adult life I almost never took any time off. At the same time, I didn't work a "normal job" like most people. I didn't clock in at 9 and out at 5. I didn't have scheduled weeks of paid vacation, I didn't have health insurance, etc. etc. etc. I was fortunate enough throughout my daughter's young life (and that of my "step-kids" as well) to be the parent who was at home, because I worked at home. The problem was, that while I had the opportunity to volunteer at my daughter's school, to pick her up and take her to friends, to play the music she danced to in the living room, and to make dinner almost every night, I was also the person who basically never stopped working. I almost never took time off. We rarely spent time "as a family." I got up early in the morning and went to bed late at night, sitting at the computer while all of life ran around me. I had one eye on the kids, one hand in the kitchen, and almost never ANY complete presence to the moment. I was spinning plates, and while I only lost a few to spills and crashes and flying saucers, I also missed out on much.

That is probably the greatest sadness of my life.

What began for me a little over a year ago, has, with these 40 day plans, come to full flower. I am finally, for the first time in my life, finding out what all the fuss is about. I am learning that getting away from the work, not only makes your life better, it makes the WORK better too.

Hence, the story of Day 8... a day of long hours and as yet unfinished business, ALL spent doing what I most want to do... WRITING.

Writing... and getting paid for it.

If there is one target goal in all of this (and there really are many, but if there WERE just one) it would be that one. To write for a living.

The dream is in fact slowly coming true. Resting and reflecting and not simply barreling full speed ahead is the process that is making it happen.

Why couldn't I have learned this 30 years ago?

Part Two - Day 5 - Stepping Into The River Twice

Coming to the end of the first week... a second time around... I thought that things would be mo' different than they are. I have had, just as I did 6 weeks ago, a difficult week of settling into my plans, finding my stride getting things into some kind of orderly and productive reality.

The last two days have both been pretty chaotic, while at the same time definitely being more productive than similar days used to be.

What I'm trying to say is that while SOME things are still pretty much as they were, the differences are significant. The base changes I made have helped me through my weaknesses and I feel like, while I am starting over again, I am not starting over from the same place. The classic saying about not being able to step into the same river twice is clearly at work here. Despite the fact that my days, my work, and my attitudes have changed very little... they have in fact changed much.

What has remained the same, I see ways of altering.

I'm pretty excited about this... I don't quite know where it's all going... but it's definitely going somewhere good.

Part Two - Day 2 - If I am not better...

So the day did not fit into my beautiful plan... BUT it fit pretty well into the the rest of my life.

Good work... good connections... good plans... and, at least potentially, good income.

It's been a day where I really do feel like I'm working off a new and stronger base. Many realities are still the same, but overall I am better able to handle the twists and turns (I jumped on TOP of the car hood this time).

I've got some new plans for tomorrow as well... But there is definitely momentum and I'm feeling good about it.

"If I am not better, at least I am different." - Jean Jacques Rousseau

40 Days 2.0 - Day 1

Okay... here we go again.

I spent much of the day (among many other things) pondering what structure to give to an ongoing process to move forward on the things from last month that I still want to work on.

Following the exact same schedule as the previous 6 weeks, and ending in 40 days has the advantage of arriving at day 39 on Thanksgiving Day, and Day 40 two days before the beginning of Advent. this works for me in my weirdly convoluted symbiosis of pagan, neo-pagan, christian, buddhist, and "american" ritualistic constructs.

So.... another 40 Days it is.

I've got some slightly different plans for this go 'round, as well as a sense that I am working from the base that I talked about in the previous post.

Like living inside a sine wave... my intention is to create a congruity that magnifies the resulting wave form rather than countering and diminishing it. That is to say, I want to make the wave, and its subsequent effect, bigger not smaller.

I've got more to say on that... but I think I'll save it for later.

Like we always used to say at the end of the roller coaster.... "Let's go again!!!"

Day 43 - What's Next?

I spent Saturday and Sunday resting, playing, spending time with my daughter and her hubby, seeing a great play, going to church and staring off at the waters of the bay. Mostly I have rested and thought. The last six weeks have given me much to reflect on and I am trying to find a better way of incorporating that necessary reflection into the daily schedule.

So... What was accomplished in the 40 Days?

• I have improved my meditation practice with at least once a day sitting… Striving for twice a day, but not there yet

• Have begun a more solid reading and journaling routine. Every day reading and reflection

• Have finally begun a true rest and recuperation routine for weekends, removing myself almost completely from the internet dance for two days a week

• Established, and have mostly kept up with a plan to regulate email intake/obsession to three times a day… It is my new goal to reduce this to twice daily

• By organizing my financial and business records I have increased my follow through and income

• To that end I succeeded in covering my rent and bills before they were due

• I have begun paying back some old debts

• I have begun a new running routine, though it did not reach the level I had targeted

• I have begun studying French

• I have improved my diet, though again, more needs to be done to reach my actual goal

• I have begun new medical followup, including having necessary blood tests, and finding a new doctor

• I have been more personally awake and aware and intentional about my daily business, personal, and interpersonal dealings


I did not:

• Complete any of the several writing projects I had targeted for completion

• Seek out a new agent

• Reach my target weekly income

• Complete incorporation, budget and investment materials for new business development

• Start saving or giving to the extent I had targeted

• Start playing guitar again

• Apply for my passport

• Get new health insurance

• Surf


--

From both my own sense of what the last six weeks have felt like, and from looking at the list of tasks I pulled off, started, and didn’t even get to, it seems like this last 40 days has been a sort of ground laying process.

As with building a house… The basics have now been laid out. Most of the architecture has been completed, the framing is mostly there and the foundation has been poured (though I’m not sure that it’s quite dry).

There is, however, no there there.

What I feel is necessary now is to return to the tasks I did not accomplish… study why and why not, evaluate the extent to which they are still valuable and whether there are things I want to either remove or add.

THEN… I want to start again.

What I have not fully decided is when to start again and how to alter the plan. At this point the process feels like the first steps of a small child. It is only by continuing those steps that I feel I will gain the real momentum that I have been seeking over the last six weeks. I must build upon what I just finished. I do not want to start all over again...I want to continue.

It isn’t time to stop… It’s time to keep going.

In the words of one of my all-time favorite television characters - President Bartlett on The West Wing - "What's next?"

Day 40 - The Finish Line?

So... Here I am... Six weeks later.

For the last several days the biggest thing on my mind has been what do I do now?

I've even given a lot of thought to what to say right here and right now, but I'm feeling uncharacteristically speechless at the moment, so I think I'll just leave the words (and music) to Robert Earl Keen.

As for the rest... I'll have to get back to ya on that.

Days 38 & 39 - Wrestling at Peniel

One of my favorite stories in the Bible comes from the Genesis 32 where the story is told of Jacob wrestling with an Angel through the night and into the dawn.

In the story, the Angel tries a bit of trickery in order to get the upper hand; he wounds Jacob in the thigh. Jacob, however, struggles on, and when the Angel is frantic to go at the break of day, Jacob demands that the angel bless him. The angel asks Jacob his name and then transforms him with a new one... Israel, stating, "... for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed." Jacob names the place where this nocturnal wrestling match occurred Peniel for, “I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been preserved.”

It would seem that, both in "sacred" literature, as well as popular culture, Angels like to do battle with someone or some thing. It's in their nature. It's a metaphor for the struggle of existence... the move through each day... the search for something more. A search that is never really over and which most likely, as with Jacob, defines who we are.

That's been the nature of this whole past 6 weeks, but especially the last couple of days. By virtue of work and life, practical and impractical circumstances, the struggle to keep moving forward has indeed begun to feel like the sun rising over the horizon while I lie on the ground wrestling with some commanding, though mostly invisible, being. A being that I have a hold on, but which also has me; all the while, the outcome remains in doubt.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm pretty sure that it's not really even time to be asking that question, but that's the question that keeps coming up. As I slug through the last bits and pieces of my goals from six weeks ago, as I evaluate what I can still finish and what I will ultimately have to let go of or redefine, the thing that I feel most intensely is the need to remain clearly and intentionally here.. right now. In the battle.

Of course... with the battle... also comes the dancing.

Day 37 - The Final 10%

As of this morning, there are four days left.

10% of my six week program ahead... 90% behind me.

What have I accomplished?

What have I left undone?

These are the questions that have been running through my brain almost constantly for the last several days.

The fact is that I have FULLY accomplished only a few of the tasks I set out to complete. I have however made major progress on most of them and in most areas of my life. There are another few tasks which I have not even touched on as of today, but one of my goals for this week is to at least touch on even those. I want to have, at least in some way, addressed each one.

What I am looking at this morning is the question of where do I go from here?

In his book "Beyond The Summit", Todd Skinner comments on the challenges of the last 10%. "In the last ten percent of any endeavor, you are asked to do the most with the least resources left. As you approach the summit, you have less strength, fewer supplies, and more hostile conditions." He also makes some very encouraging observations. My favorite is, "... this is a much smaller mountain than the one you started with." He points out that having made it to this point you have learned a lot of new skills that make you a better climber, and while the task may be harder... it is indeed a smaller task.

Now that I think of it... the task really isn't "where do I go from here?" Right now, the task is FINISHING.

Where do I go from here???? Up!

Day 36 - Beginning Badly

I spent much of yesterday in a strange funk that seemed to have something to do with what I was (or was not) eating, as well as a shift that the pharmacist had recently made in my epilepsy meds. Every once in a while this happens; I can go on for days, even weeks, at a time with my brain feeling like everything's in sync, and then for a whole day (or two) I will be completely unable to focus, I won't be able to stay on any tasks, and my head sort of spins, first one way and then the other.

The most frustrating aspect of the whole thing is that I typically get next to nothing done on a day like that. It would be great if I could schedule such interruptions, for then I would move them to the weekend and simply take them in stride. When they occur on a Monday or in the middle of a deadline driven project... It starts to piss me off.

Some days when it hits me like that I feel as if I am one of the ordinary super heroes in "Heroes", while on other days I feel like The Elephant Man

Yesterday was something in between.

But then... as it did last night... the condition passes, I get my brain back, and I am able to move on.

Days 34 & 35 - Miracle of Miracles!

Another weekend passed with a lot of activity, pretty much all of it relaxing.

I'm sure that for a lot of people this seems like a really ridiculous element to be focusing on in this program, but with each passing week it becomes more and more clear to me that the idea of rest and recharge for body, mind and spirit, is one of the most central factors in achieving new goals; it may in fact be the MOST significant factor.

Comparatively, it's easy to set goals. It's harder to work productively toward those goals, but it may be hardest of all to rest on the journey. It is the difference between REST and QUITTING that is important here. It is a difference which I have had a hard time seeing for most of my life.

Until about a year ago, I had pretty much lost all sense of what it means to truly rest. I would work incessantly... in the early mornings, late into the evening, all weekend, and during even the little short "vacations" we might take away. I was extremely inconsistent with staying on point with tasks I wanted to complete, but that didn't keep me from staying busy.

BUSY-ness was more of what I was doing. Business took a back seat.

What I had begun to put into practice before I started this 40 day cycle, and which I have gradually developed into a habit over the last six weeks, is the idea of actually resting and rejuvenating whether that is through recreation, family time, cultural enrichment, spiritual pursuit, or taking a nap.

The work requires the rest.

Day 33 - Who Do You Think You Are... Anyway?

One more week to go.

This is when it begins to dawn on me that there are some things that I am not going to accomplish by the end of this 40 Days and some other things at which I have done very well.

The most significant thing about the whole process, at least as I look at it right now, is the key awareness that awareness is key.

Whatever it is that I have accomplished over the last month, it has been accomplished for one reason only, and that is because I have been paying attention. The most important think I take away from the time, is an intention to keep that focus, that awareness, foremost in my mind. [I was going to correct think to thing in the sentence above, but upon reflection I'm going to let that Freudian slip stand.]

My Merton reading for the day is entitled "Godlikeness Begins at Home" and contains Merton's personal reflection, made in 1958, that the secret to his ambition to "be a saint" is centered and grounded in his basic acceptance of who he is. "Finally, I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be who I already am." He expands on this, not in a way that suggests that there is nothing to be done - the kind of response one might expect from a new age, magical thinking, kind of non-discipline - but rather that the doing is really much simpler than we generally might imagine. He writes, "... I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself - and if I accept myself fully, in the right way, I will have already surpassed myself."

In a separate reading from the collection "Echoing Silence," Merton makes the comment that "... the artist might well be brusquely invited to go home and consider the question: Who do you think you are anyway?" and this to me is central to the whole concept. Each goal, each task, each step along the path of the last month, ultimately comes to this question, and the answer remains the classic Zen conundrum of who is asking whom and is there a self there to answer?

Or to put it more simply still... Perhaps you really are what you do.

Day 32 - Do... Do... Do... Dah... Dah... Dah...

Winding down toward the last week of this six week program I am inevitably having to face into the reality of what I have accomplished, what I haven't accomplished, what I want to keep working on, what I really don't care about.

To that end, I was working today on a series of "Do Lists."

In his book "Good to Great," Jim Collins discusses the idea that it's as important (maybe more so) to create a Stop Doing List as it is to create To Do Lists. The To Do Lists are easy, there's always more to do, but the real secret to getting things accomplished the way you want to is making decisions and making cuts.

To my mind there are a couple other Do Lists that are important to consider: in addition to the Do and Do Not lists, I have added two more, a DON'T Do List, comprised of items that I do (both constantly and intermittently) that I want to cease doing immediately (as opposed to the Stop Doing List which made up of things I want to phase out of my life on a more gradual basis), and a Bucket List, modeled after the recent film and consisting of things that I consider vital to accomplish sometime between now and when I die.

So that's what I did this morning... I went back to all the things I've been doing (both befpore and since the 40 days started) and compiled my current Do, Stop Doing, DON'T Do, and Bucket Lists.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all this I did, at both the beginning and the end of the day, one of the things on my DON'T DO list; I started and ended the day watching the news... BIG MISTAKE.

Day 31 - Anything Can Happen Day Part Deux

I'm beginning to think that "anything can happen day" just ain't gonna happen. Maybe it's the fact that Wednesday is just too active sitting there right in the center of the week. Maybe it's that I need better discipline on Monday and Tuesday in order to make way for Wednesday.

Whatever it is... I once again missed my "afternoon of creative exploration" because I was slogging away on a work project that I didn't even know was going to exist 24 hours earlier. In addition, this day's activity not only did not fit into the plan, it actually took away from other work that's been coming along. I did a pretty good job of managing the chaos; a far better job than I have done in weeks, months, and even years past. However, this is still NOT my beautiful life.

At the same time... I can't really complain though. IT was good work, I did a good job, and I handled the basic reality of the situation with grounded stability and an open head and heart.

I DID have a surprising and delightful morning. I even got some solid writing done before stubborn reality kicked things up a notch.

Any way you slice it, it was a good day... Not THE day I was hoping for... but definitely a good day.

Day 30 - Free Beer At The Finish!

As this last section of 40 days comes into focus, it's a lot like running a race. I can see the finish line from here, but there's still a good solid bit of work to do.. some of the hardest work of the whole race. At the 2/3 point of a marathon you are at 17.5 miles and you have 8.7 miles left. That actually means that you still have two and a half miles left before that ultimate 20 mile crux point when so many people "hit the wall."

The first time I ran the Big Sur Marathon I was wearing a relatively new pair of shoes that were not properly broken in, and which had a particularly annoying strap that rubbed against my instep. About a mile into the race I stopped by the side of the road and ripped that strap out of the shoe, but the damage had already been done. It had rubbed a huge blister across my instep and by the two-thirds point of that race my right shoe was making a distinct "squish squish" sound as blood poured into the shoe with each step.

A few miles later - at a definite post-WALL point, I was walking the road, calculating my pace and praying to the Goddess that I would just finish the damn race and not have to be picked up by the rescue van. I saw a man on the side of the road with his shoe off. As I looked forlornly at the poor guy, and he looked forlornly at me, I thought to myself, "if I stop like that, I won't start again." With that internally generated motivation, I kicked back into my stride and began running again.

Several miles later, as I was cruising down a small hill toward the final bridge crossing, a slightly crazed, rather shabby looking dude jumped out in front of me and shouted, "Just cross that bridge and you get free beer!" Well... the beer was Bud Light, but at that point, it was the perfect carrot. For one last time, I kicked up my pace, raised my head and smiled. I crossed the bridge, cruised through the orange plastic chutes of the finish line, got my finisher's medal, my picture.. and my BEER.

There is absolutely no question that those last 8.7 miles were the hardest of the entire 26.2... The were also the most terrific!

Day 29 - The Final Third

Today begins the last two weeks of this 40 day program.

The final third.

Some time ago, and for a day too long, I was with a partner who ground into my head that I was "two-thirds Thom." The implication and attack in the comment was the accusation that I rarely, if ever, completed anything. The observation was that I was really quite good at getting two-thirds of the way through something and then losing track of the goal.

Like so many statements of this type (and I've noticed lately that we hear a lot of them in political campaigns), it was close enough to the truth to be troublesome but far enough from the truth to be debilitating. The comment was regularly used as an attack and a put down and I sucked it up as a basic reality in my life and accepted it as a declaration of my inadequacy.

Let's just say... it was not facilitative.

As I hit this point today, I feel some of the hesitancy that such a behavioral script tends to load into one's brain and I sort of draw back from the goal ahead. Maybe she was right for all those years. Maybe I don't have what it takes to accomplish anything. Maybe... fundamentally... I'm just a loser, a screw up, a wastrel.

At the same time, I am so pleased with the amount of stuff I have accomplished over the last month (not to mention the last year) that I am really supercharged for this last two weeks... this final third.

Days 27 & 28 - A real weekend!

So on Saturday I actually made it up bright and early, got coffee and a shower, packed the beer into the cooler, grabbed "my buddy and my girl" and headed of for San Francisco and Warren Hellman's Emmylou Harris Festival.

The day started out rainy but was followed by fog breaking to clear blue sunny skies by afternoon. The music was fabulous, the company was superb. It was a serendipitous Perfect Moment; it was a reminder of why I am diving head first into this whole process.

Sunday was a little bit crazy, but still a solid, restful, creative day that included breakfast, a teenage soccer match, work on the computer (something I try not to do, but this was special... and important) for a friend who was putting together a presentation on New Orleans, dinner with friends (complete with killer rice and Andouille sausage) and baseball on the couch in the living room with Karen and her mom.

There were several times during the day when I wanted to break down, where I was insistent that I MUST break down, and "work," but when it all came out in the wash, a cooler, wiser, more grounded spirit prevailed and I let myself rest... Ready for the week ahead.

Day 26 - Leaving room for life to sneak in...

I have yet to work out my schedule in such a way that I can really nail it down like the deep Virgo side of my psyche really desires. Intending to facilitate that, I have also tried to schedule in down time during the middle of the week. That time is SUPPOSED to be on Wednesday, but in the last four weeks I have not once taken that time on Wednesday. An alternative approach I have been testing involves allowing myself the half day (or perhaps even more) off during the week to remain flexible... movable... so that if I want to take in a museum exhibit, or a film, or I need to just take care of life's exigencies, I can do so without completely derailing my plans. This seems to work better... more or less.

Yesterday I spent the morning helping take care of family stuff for my sweetie. I then had plans to take in the opening set at The Hardly Strictly Blue Grass Fest in San Francisco, but that sort of fell through. Instead I returned to do some work, run some errands and spend the evening eating pizza and watching baseball. Rather mundane... but exactly perfect.

It's clear that making progress in all the other areas of life requires leaving some space for the mundane, the ordinary, and the serendipitous. It's the same lesson we all heard from Lennon back when he was raising his kid and baking bread, just shortly before he was killed...

Life is what happens while your busy making other plans.

Day 25 - Less News is Still Good News

I ended my two day "news fast" by watching the V.P. debate which served, more than anything else, to show me how much of a waste watching and fretting over every glimmer of "news" coverage can be.

Juxtaposed against the daily readings that I have been doing in Merton, readings in which he regularly laments the absurd overabundance of pointless and misleading verbiage spewed into the collective mind (and this written 40 years or more ago!!!) I am finding that one of the best ways to move further in what I REALLY want to accomplish in life, may be to spend more time ignoring the crap that is perpetually flying through the airwaves. Now... I have to admit, some of it I find extremely entertaining, but very little of it do I find informative. Additionally, for the first time in my life, I am coming to a place where I have some real questions about how valuable even the "informative" stuff really is.

It's probably subject to the 80/20 rule, in which 20% of what I pay attention to provides 80% of the value... but I'm even finding that a bit hard to believe.

Day 24 - A Day Without Wah Wah

Yesterday, in the midst of the psychotic meltdown, or at least the pretension of a meltdown, in the U.S. economy I decided that the best process for me was ignore the news. Actually, it went deeper than that; yesterday I chose to AVOID the news.

I went so far as to avert my eyes while deleting emails from my standard news sources, The New York Times, Washington Post, Huffington Post, and well-intentioned and/or sarcastic friends. While checking the mail I tried to avoid viewing subject lines in exchange for paying attention to where the email came from. Mostly, I succeeded, though even with a conscious effort to avoid all the input, I still caught bits and pieces of news from the headlines on newspapers on the street, or the ubiquitous television montiors in public places, and I ended the evening deep in a discussion of the economic bailout.

I noticed two things in this... Firstly, my day was not impoverished by not being instantly and perpetually aware of every little detail being played out by the power brokers in Washington and New York and expounded upon by the media priests and acolytes in New York and Atlanta. If anything, my day was expanded to take in more of the world around me, the thoughts in my mind, the work at hand.

Secondly, instead of eagerly running to find out what I missed, I now find myself digging deeper, looking for more softness, more silence, more peace. I am more keenly aware than usual that the random verbiage and the grand declarations, by all sides of the political conversation, serve mostly to keep the rest of us bound and gagged and impotent. While I am normally and enthusiastically a sucker for political alertness and playful disputation, I am this morning more interested in learning how to use my words, my time, and my life for something of real significance.

At least for right now... I don't need no Wah-Wah.

Day 23 - Zydeco Tuesday

Yesterday was a day of more chaos and disorganization than any day since I began this program. I didn't run, I didn't meditate, I didn't even eat. I wrote, but not in the same way, or on the same things, that I try to work (at least a little bit) with every day.

It was a flat out crazy-quilt day.

At the same time... my energy was definitely up and I got a lot of things done. It was probably one of my most productive days in the last three weeks. This is pretty much counterintuitive to the whole idea behind what I'm trying to do, but I guess that's another one of those lessons that I probably need to learn.

The fact is, you can plan your ass off, but no matter how well prepared you are, no matter how rigidly you try to fix the system to work in what you perceive to be your favor, SOMETHING is going to throw a wrench into the system at some point along the way.

When that happens you can fight it (my normal tendency) or you can dance with it. You can struggle to keep things moving in march time, or you can kick up your heels and dance with the music the band is playing.

Sometimes (most times?) dancing is the best choice.

Day 22 - Running For Something

This morning, I started the morning and the week in a low energy lethargy that I found myself battling in one of those brain fights that are forced on me from time to time. Battles that sometimes I win and most times I lose. When I turned on the iTunes and caught the Melissa Ethridge song "Run for Life," the song she recorded after her battle with breast cancer and her declaration of solidarity and purpose in the struggle against cancer, I thought of friends and loved ones who have had the disease in one form or another and who have both died from it and battled it back to a thriving life, I was laid sideways by a HUNGER for something more than the every day meandering that takes up most of my time.

Paul Newman's death this weekend went by very quietly in the midst of all the other things that I was doing. I heard a brief bit of an interview with him on the radio and I read bits and pieces in passing as I glanced at one newspaper article or another. The thing that I was most taken by was the way he latched on to living and held it. Whether acting, in his marriage to Joanne Woodward, at his camps for kids, as a race car driver, a gastronomical entrepeneur, or just as a good and decent human being, Newman LIVED.

More than anything, THIS is what I am seeking to gain in the remaining three weeks of this 40 Day plan. This is "the bliss" that Campbell talks about.

I want to find MY way back to real life again. I want to know the passion that, at one time, I felt every morning, and that I so deeply desire to feel again. I want to find the energy, the focus, and the intention to get up every morning and pursue THAT each day... EVERY DAY.

Day 20 & 21 - Still Learning to Rest

I've never been particularly good at settling down and resting. There is a family anecdote that has been repeated often throughout my life that describes how my parents could never get me to rest as a kid, could never get me to lie down for a nap, or stay in bed beyond sunrise in the morning.

This is a behavior that, for the most part, remains in my DNA. Whether it's an evening of sitting around and reading, or a Saturday at the beach, or a weekend away (let alone something longer, like a week), if I don't have something to do, something that gets me moving and occupies my brain, something (often related to a computer unfortunately) that lets me feel productive even if it's actually having the opposite effect, I tend to be jumpy, nervous and scattered.

This weekend was an ongoing attempt, partly successful and partly not so much, at settling into rest mode. I spent time at a couple of soccer matches, did some shopping, some cooking, a little bit of reading, but still on both Saturday and Sunday I found it necessary to move to the electronic vortex and twiddle the keys.

One of the greatest lessons for me in this 40 Days is the need for downtime. My goal is to set Saturdays aside for some rest and some work (most particularly writing), a day for catching up AND settling down, with Sundays dedicated completely to rest, and rejuvenation (physical, mental and spiritual). In my wildest imagination I don't even look at a computer on Sunday, I take a "digital sabbath."

Like most of the other goals in the plan... I am definitely getting better at this... but I'm definitely not there yet.

Day 19 - Halfway Home

Today is the last day of the first half of the 40 days. Tomorrow is the actual halfway point, but considering that my goal arrives three weeks from today, it seems worthwhile in my mind,such as it is, to place myself at the center of the line today.

So where am I?

What have I accomplished... what have I done well... What needs work... What is left to be done?

• I have made great progress on the underlying groundwork for what I want. My personal schedule and my basic discipline at maintaining it is the best it's been in a long time, maybe better than I've ever been.

• I have picked up certain disciplines and behaviors (a regulation on how and when I get email, talk on the phone, write, read, workout, etc.) that are necessary for keeping things moving forward. These are the kinds of things that don't seem like a big deal to people who have to go into the office every day, but when, like me, you've worked on your own schedule in your own way for 30 years it can be very easy to lose that disciplined structure and lose the benefits that such structure provides. I haven't succeeded at dialing this in completely (as can be seen from my last two days of posts) but I'm getting close. I am, however, picking up that "Creative Habit" that Twyla Tharpe talks about.

• I have, on some level, at least begun about 90% of the goals I set up on my list. I expect to nail down the rest of them by the beginning of next week. That gives me the last half of this program to target myself full speed ahead.

• I have learned that it is ALL in your mind.

What I have not figured out is how to balance it all. How do you keep the plates spinning AND live a light hearted, conscious life?

Hopefully I will discover that somewhere in the remaining 21 days.

Day 18 - Living in The Vortex

Another day that was good but not great. A day where I found myself distracted by the various little things that are lying out there in the grass to snip at your heels as you run by, to trip you up and slow you down.

In short it was a day when I didn't get as much done as I had hoped. At the same time I had some good interactions with new clients that will at least help me keep moving forward. Some days it seems that this is the most you can expect, even when you are hopefully playing toward the top of your game.

As Sam Eliot says in The Big Lebowski, "Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you."

Today I got away with a small nip.

Day 17 - Slooowwwwwwly I turn... Step by step...

You have to be of "a certain age" to remember the Three Stooges routine I reference in the title.

What brings it to mind this afternoon has nothing to do with The Three Stooges, but with the process of the day.

The week has been a good one so far. I've pulled together a schedule and started on several new goals that were in the list two weeks ago but which I didn't begin to address until yesterday. At the same time, there are other parts of the plan that seem to slip through my grasp.

In particular is a plan that I have labored over for nearly three years; an attempt to turn Wednesday into what it was for the Mouseketeers... Anything Can Happen Day! For me, it's intended to take this afternoon smack in the middle of the week and give me a chance to do research, explore new ideas, go to a museum, or the library... ANYTHING that can push me over the hump of hump day and into the rest of the week, supercharged with ideas and ready to complete important tasks.

What it's turned into (almost every week for the last three years) is a day of pick me ups and catch ups; a day when the things that got lost in the first part of the week get tied up (or at least wrapped in a bow). Frankly, this isn't a bad thing per se, but it isn't what I've been trying to make happen.

What it is, is another part of the process... Each element, each task, needs practice and grace. Each step is only partial. It's a marathon not a long jump.

Slooowwwwwwly I turn... just don't mention Niagra Falls.

Day 16 - The Yin and Yang of The Here and Now

My reading list at the moment (now that I just finished a biography of Babe Ruth that I've been reading along the arc of baseball season) is an interesting yin yang (what others might perhaps choose to call schizophrenic) of Thomas Merton and Hunter Thompson ("Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail")... my musical choices tend to flip between Springsteen and Bernstein (with a little Cockburn thrown in for good measure)... and my physical activities struggle with each other across the divide between running and sitting.

This is me two weeks in with 24 Days left "...to Life." It's not terribly different from the delicate balance between success and failure, life and death, asceticism and debauchery, or abundance and insolvency that I have struck through most of my life. This time though, I am noticing that the intentionality of examination, and the accompanying attempt to lay it all out in public does put a razor edge to the whole thing. It pushes me up on days when I might be more likely to go under and it forces me forward when I would rather sit on the barstool and have another beer (not that that doesn't still happen on occasion, just to be clear).

I possess a definite bi-polar streak. I believe it to be medically related to my epilepsy, and it tends to be mostly manageable, though I'm really not sure whether the dilantin I take for the epilepsy affects it or not.

The balance tends to be tenuous nonetheless. What works for me though is focus... CONSTANT focus. If I let my guard down I can lose my balance in seconds. What I was working on, so hard and so enthusiastically, only moments before can be lost, forgotten, as if it never existed. The focus keeps me awake... and alive.

Sitting... centeredness... reflection. These things keep me steady.

At the same time, if I become too settled, if I sit on the cushion for too long, or move too slowly (for whatever reason) through the day, a deadening lethargy comes on; my consciousness feels like it's shrouded; my senses go numb. Needless to say, this doesn't work for me either.

Action is necessary. While I am very fond of the meditative suggestion, "Don't just do something, sit there," sooner or later, either to stem off entropy, or obtain sustenance for the body, one must indeed move. At that point a decision is called for, and a direction required. I like the movement. I hunger for action.

When I sit, I feel the glow... When I run, I feel the fire.

What works... is the dance. Balanced between light and dark, action and non-action, running and waiting I seem to be finding my life.

---

There are presently five ravens gathered outside my front door (I am NOT kidding!).

Day 15 - Four weeks to go...

This day feels like the moment of truth. This week feels like the real time for challenge.

For my "Monday morning meeting" with myself today, I went back through the goals I set two weeks ago (Goals I really do plan on posting here sometime soon) and considered what I've accomplished, what I have at least made headway on, and what i haven't even started.

I came to the conclusion, that actually, I'm doing a pretty good job.

But this week, it's time to turn up the heat. I feel like the two weeks previous have been a sort of "shake down cruise." I've been rooting around in the dirt of my psyche trying to get a better handle on what I feel like matters and how to make it come to life in the real world.

Today I start up on all the things I have successfully put off. I'm definitely a bit tired, but I'm also ready for more.

Now is when I get to see if all these grandiose plans and dreams have any legs of their own.

Days 13 and 14

Saturday and Sunday this week were once again a set of sort of catch up days.

It was both frustrating and engaging on Saturday to have a wonderful event to go to at the vineyards of Roshambo winery up in Dry creek, and event that my daughter and her hubby were planning to attend as well, but to feel like I had to much toehr work to catch up on, too many irons in the fire, to take the day for "the fun of it."

Instead, I stayed home, got some of the online work I needed to accomplish finished and then got involved in a bunch of the typical kinds of things (house cleaning, shopping, washing the clothes) that always interfere with life sooner or later.

It was however a good day for learning the very thing I wrote about two days before. Despite the fact that I had an invitation to an exceptionally fun event that I really wanted to attend, I have to say that I was indeed happy to stay at home, to work, and to get things done.

Sunday went the way I keep trying to make it go... No work, no computer (well, almost no computer) and a lot of rest, thought, spirit and relationship.

Watched the last game at Yankee Stadium and cried.

It was a good good day.

Day 12 - Just Do It

It's an old, and by now rather tired, ad campaign, but when it was created it was brilliant. Nike's Just Do It slogan cut to the chase and ran right by all the excuses. The idea remains brilliant still.

So much of what I do... is hesitant, second-guessed, over the shoulder tenuousness that it is frankly amazing that I get anything done at all.

This morning I found a piece of paper that I gave as a Christmas present last December. It was the listing of a series of games at Yankee stadium and it was my plan to go to one or more of those games. The trip never happened, the games went on without us and here I sit this morning looking at the paper and wondering how I let that moment slip through my hands.

But that's really not hard to figure out.  The moment slipped through my hands because I simply did not fully believe in what I promised to do. This lack of faith led to a lack of vision, a lack of preparation, and ultimately a lack of accomplishment.

The moment passed and the opportunity for something magical was missed.

This is what I see in what I do today.

There is nothing on my list of goals for the remaining 28 days of this program that can be accomplished... not a single thing... without my complete faith in its possibility and my complete commitment to the goal. You don't make it through the crux of a climb when you're looking back at the ground.

Or as Frank says... "Don't dream it... be it."

Follow Your Bliss

I went out for my walk at lunch (it was actually supposed to be a run, but, well... you know) and as I was tripping lightly down the road, I began contemplating all the things I had put down in the previous post.

What came to my mind was the reminder of Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell discussing purpose and how to find your true calling.

"Follow Your Bliss." (You can find it about 35 minutes in on the video above).

This has never meant what so many people have taken it to mean... namely, some sort of sophisticated attempt at "Do Whatcha Wanna!." It is instead a challenge to look at what you love; seek out what truly moves you, follow the tastes and the tantalizations that your psyche has thrown out at you for your entire life.

What is your soul calling you to?

What captured my imagination as I was walking along was the intermittent joy, the tiny giggle, and the outright joyous laughter that can come upon me at any given time when I am "in the zone."

And so I had this thought... What if I were to only do what truly made me happy?

I know that at first blush this sounds like the most selfish, self-involved proposal that anyone could suggest. But what if it's not that?

What filled my mind, in considering all the things I wrote about in the previous post, was a very simple question.

What if you only did what makes you happy?

Now there are two ways to look at this:

1) What you are doing is genuinely exactly what you want to do right now and it is at the center of what you love (your bliss)... No brainer... It makes you happy. Do it.

2) I really do not like this, it's not something I want to do and it definitely does not make me happy.

If the answer to the specific question/activity is #2 then things get interesting.

1) You can give it up.. simply choose not to do it. The consequences of this behavior could range from doing something else, taking an afternoon off, to quitting (or being fired from) your job (or divorced from your family).

2) You can delegate and send the task to someone else. You may worry about how THAT person feels about it, but it may be (I'm not fully committed to this answer, but it's interesting) that it then becomes their question to ask.

3) You can CHOOSE to find joy in the task because the task is necessary for the goal of achieving something that DOES make you happy (more money, a better relationship, a healthy child, a better world).

4) You can turn it into something that makes you happy because happy is better than angry and there's no other way out.

What I want to propose, as irresponsible as it may be, is that if, for whatever reason, we find a way to make everything we do a joy... a CHOICE for joy... it will transform all we do and it will transform each of our lives and the world as we know it.

So I've decided to add this to the remaining month of my six week program.

If I can't find joy in a task, by one way or another, then I am not going to do it.

What might happen then?

It's entirely possible that this is utter bullshit and the end result of such thinking is a complete meltdown of life as we know it.

I don't know... but right now, it's 5 o'clock somew... actually, it's 5 o'clock right here.

Day 11 - What Really Matters?

One of the primary failures (perhaps THE primary failure) of my attempt at these programs has been the fact that I spend incredible amounts of time on things that have little or no relation to what I want my life to be like or about.

This has been the case for most of my adult life.

When my daughter was little, I made the distinct choice to figure out a way to work from home and to spend as much time as possible with her. I volunteered at school, went on field trips, hung out at home when she had friends over, shopped for dinner, cooked dinner, drove around for important events... and pretty much messed up completely by having too few resources to do some of the "special" things, or having something that distracted me from the moment, or somehow simply missing out on a whole lot of the very opportunities I had wanted to increase by making the choices I made.

Why did it happen that way? Misplaced priorities and a lack of attention to detail.

Throughout several business ventures, while being engaged in things that I like, I have rarely taken the time (work time, leisure time, friend time) to really do the things I love.

Why did it happen that way? Misplaced priorities and a lack of attention to detail.

I could go on and on in a self-indulgent diatribe on the way I have shuffled my way through much of my existence, but if you know me you already have most of the details; if you don't know me you probably don't want to hear about it anyway.

To use one very simple and clear illustration (and make Hoz happy in the process)... One word... Surfing.

So... what does that have to do with me today on the eleventh day of this forty day excursion?

Choice... Timing... Focus.

What matters most?

For some reason it's very easy for me to spend time working on projects that don't pay anything, or don't pay enough, out of some sort of charitable inclination (or at least that's what I tell myself), but the truth is that something else is going on. These thigs that consume my time in this way are not "charitable" causes, they are rarely the most important things on the agenda, and they are often well down that list. Somewhere I am getting distracted from the real goal. Somehow I'm not asking the right questions.

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish in this 40 days, among them a number of business things that hang around my neck like a half dozen Albatross, tasks I just can't seem to complete, and plans and structures for new activities that I just don't get around to putting in place.

It's time to focus on the central questions. Out of this whole list of things (and the things that aren't on the list but nevertheless impose themselves on my psyche) what is truly facilitative? What brings satisfaction? What provides what I need?

What... is... IMPORTANT?

What do I really want?

Day 10 - Dr. Pepper Time

The biggest time suck in my (and very possibly your) life is the frigging emails I get on a minute by minute basis.

My junk box intake is over 1,000 emails a day (often twice that) and that doesn't even count the several hundred more that sneak through the filter. On top of that is time I spend having to go back through that "time-saving" junk filter to find the occasional piece of email that I need and that got shunted tot he wrong place.

Tim Ferris makes the case for checking email no more than twice a day: once around noon and once at the end of the day. This of course doesn't address the fact that each time I go into email I can spend an hour dealing with the various issues, but I have tried the plan a few times and it does in fact help.

One problem with the model for me however is that if I wait until noon to make my first email check in the day I can miss certain things that I need to deal with, or people I need to hear from. I'm probably overvaluing this need, since on the days when I have waited, the world has not ended, but this fear remains in my mind nonetheless.

However... I do know one thing very clearly. Email is wasting my life.

On days when I don't force myself into a rigid regulation of the time I spend on email I lose literally hours of time in the black hole of this silently overbearing fascist technology.

So... I'm starting a new plan that I'm calling Dr. Pepper Time.

10 - 2 - 4 may not mean a lot to you unless your a Dr. Pepper fanatic and/or at least 50 years old. For me it stands out in my mind because I am both.

So it's easy to remember (hell, I might even start drinking DP again, though I think I'll have to buy a case of the REAL thing (and I ain't talkin' Coke) first.

10 gives me the opportunity to get some things done in the morning before I risk becoming irretrievably distracted by email. At the same time it gives me a chance to check on people on the US East Coast (or even across the pond) before the day has completely gone away.

2 lets me get through other stuff in the middle of the day, grab a bite, run or workout, yet at the same time it gives me a chance to catch people on the east coast at the end of the day or people on the west coast while there's still time to make things happen.

4 means I get responses from the other interactions of the day, still have time to respond, yet also leaves me with time before the end of the day to make plans, look to the next day, get out last minute material.

All of this serves a singular purpose... improving efficiency while reducing the unbelievable amount of wasted time and energy I've watched email steal over the last ten years of my life.

So... if you send me email and you're wondering why you're not getting instant answers like you used to... just have a Dr. Pepper and give it some time.

Day 9 - Struggling with Chaos

Like I said, the second week always tends to be the point when things are most difficult. Typically, the newness and excitement of the first week have passed and the drive, gathering, and settling have not fully begun. Plans are in place but the structures have not really been formed.

That's what today was like.

Many of the disciplines I need to make any of this ultimately work are just not formed. I meant to run today, I didn't. I meant to move to checking email twice a day... instead I spent the afternoon checking rechecking and checking again ( a TREMENDOUS waste of time, energy, focus, and productivity). I meant to eat and drink more nourishingly... I ALMOST pulled that off, but not quite.

In general, the day was a bit of a cluster....

What I know - not only from past attempts at this process, but also from life in general - is that it is imperative not to let this trip turn into a major fall. Despite the fact that I didn't make everything work the way I wanted it to, I did accomplish some significant things. Despite the fact that I did not follow my plan in any way, doesn't mean that I can't do it tomorrow.

There's more to this journey than one day.

A Tombstone Hand and a Graveyard Mind...

After my evening meditation, I read a piece from Merton's journals. The date of the piece was September 7, 1958, a time when he was not so rigid and tenuous as he seems to have been when he first arrived at the monastery 17 years earlier. At the same time he is clearly not as open and free as he would become before his death ten years later.

The piece also comes a day after he spent time with old friends, being a little bold, adventuring out from the monastery and clearly feeling a sense of some of what he missed from his old life. 

"I fear to be content with what I have - I fear it is inglorious.  In the last few days I have seen what matters is to be humble enough to admit that I am content with just this..."

It strikes me this evening like the whack of a shovel across the top of my head (an experience I am familiar with), commanding me to look straight into the darkness between Merton's "contentment" (or attempt at it) and my own contentment played out against my deep desire to be more, do more, have more, live more. 

I tilt back and forth on the fulcrum I have set for myself, yearning for  new growth and new ways of being, but also afraid, as Merton, to be either content, and/or not content, with what I have.  Afraid of the stretch to something new... Terrified of remaining in one place.

My mind, and my spirit, ask a question about intention and the road ahead... "What is it that you're looking for? Why do you want it?"

Or as the old song goes... "Who Do You Love?"